Another shitty Morning – Scuba poo Round Two

Well, at least this time around the events of the day didn’t happen so early in the morning. I was fortunate enough to be wide awake so I could fully soak in the shitty array of sunshine this morning was about to offer.

If you didn’t get to read my first installment here’s the link.

https://www.planetlenz.com/post/a-memorable-early-morning-question-day-in-the-life-of-a-dive-instructor


Another beautiful day in paradise had begun. I made my way down to the Jetty, excited for a nice and early start to my Open Water course. When you're teaching, whether it's piano, school or diving, you never know if your going to get a lemon in the bunch, so it’s always nice to start early to be able to see what kinda fruit you got in the basket.


8 am sharp, into the water they go, 200 meter swim done no issues there and then a nice and easy 10 minute float. Everybody seems quite comfortable in the water, hopefully this translates to scuba diving.

My group of 3 students were made up of a boy and a girl in their mid 20’s from Sweden and Norway and a German lady in her mid 60’s. English was pretty good, equipment set up was well understood, briefings, buddy checks and boom we’re in the water!

Couldn’t have asked for a smoother start to the day.


Our confined water area was set up at the bottom of a set of stairs on a set of platforms where you can choose which one to use based on the level of the tide. One of the best areas for pool like conditions in the ocean.

We made it through the first confined water skills as smoothly and efficiently as the previous portion of the morning, and seeing how comfortable everyone was, I brought them out for a their first dive. It was an absolutely stunning morning, conditions were as good as could be, flat calm seas with crystal clear water and sunny skies. Giant green turtles, frogfish, clownfish, moray Eels and more, the whole gang came out to greet us.


Once we made it back to the jetty, a few high fives, loads of smiles and chit chat, did a full equipment tear down and swapped our tanks. Meanwhile there were other groups that were on their first day of Open Water exercises, yet were still struggling to get their footing. We’ve all been there as instructors, where it seems almost impossible to get the concepts and safety standards of diving into people heads. So when a super smooth start to a course like this comes along, it makes the beautiful day twice as beautiful.

As we sat on the jetty, taking in the sun, having a coffee and snack, the older lady asks me “where is the bathroom?”….. For the life of me I can’t remember her name, the only detail aside from age and nationality I remember was that she was living in Kyrgyzstan. I had never met anyone who had been living there. That detail is of absolutely no importance to the story, just a little UFI for ya (Useless Fuckin’ Information!).

Getting back on track here, there are no toilets on the jetty, so I answered her the same way I answered all guests who asked me this question - “ Take a look in all directions, anywhere that’s ocean is the bathroom, just make sure you take your wet suit off before you hop in so it doesn’t smell after”

I finished my cigarette, did my briefings and cracked on with our smooth morning. We finished up and were up to the resort by 1 pm, having completed confined water 1,2,3 and Open Water dive 1. No rush, no fuss, this course was cruising along beautifully. As we continued lunch, more and more guests and instructors started turning up in the dining area. Some back from a morning of fun diving, some back a little later than myself doing open water courses.

As I am sitting there eating my lunch, one of the local boys comes up to me and says “ What the fuck Bro!”

…….I think to myself “Fuck….. what did I do? the last time a local got upset with me I took a chair to the head and met my wife……. I really don’t think I can handle another wife!”


He points across the room and says “ Is that your student” pointing at the resident of Kyrgyzstan.


I nodded In agreement “ahhh …..yeah?”


You see, this local instructor (In case you haven’t guessed by now I ain’t naming names or dive center, you can do that in the comments if you like!) was not as fortunate as myself. Both he and I had essentially the same day planned, we had both completed the theory component of the open water course with our students and were now starting the in water training. The difference being, I was living at the resort and got a much earlier start than him since I lived at the resort and he had to transfer in by boat every morning. So when I was getting out of the water after our first tank, his group still hadn’t even got wet yet.


This isn’t why he was angry, no. If anything he was probably envious that I got an early start and had capable students. What had upset him that morning was still quite a mystery to me.


Apparently what had happened is that when I explained the “where is the bathroom” question to my student, she did not feel the need specify that she needed to make a deposit of the fecal variety. Remember that nice confined area I had mentioned, the crystal clear waters…...Where she and the rest of my students took their first breath of compressed air, cleared their masks and regulators for the first time, only an hour earlier!!!!!…. Well , that’s exactly where his group was when my student walked down the stairs until she was waist deep, dropped down her short wetsuit, and let out an anal ink cloud explosion that would make any cephalopod jealous.

“Your student made an explosion on me”… Is how he described the situation…. He wasn’t overly angry, it wasn’t like it was I who had just shit in front of him and his students while they were experiencing their very first breaths underwater…..

Fuck...could you imagine that?!

The first thing you see scuba diving is a middle aged lady taking a dump....😱

And by the sounds of it, a quiet explosive one.


“You have to say something to her”……..he tells me while in the most casual of ways as he is shoving food into his mouth during lunch.


“Hahahahaha HELLLLLLL no!…..I'm sorry she shit on ya but I ain’t saying a word to her….. She has no clue you seen her, and If I tell her, she’s gonna know we spoke” I laughingly told.


Could you imagine how that conversation would go....

“Hey, so this morning, when you asked where the bathroom was, and I directed you towards the ocean…..yeahhh…..wellll…. The thing is, it seems like you shit in the faces of a group of divers while they were doing exercises underwater"

Not a fucking chance I was throwing away my super smooth Open water Course by telling her this. Embarrassed probably wouldn’t be a strong enough word to describe how she’d a felt had she known.


“Bro you gotta say something”….He repeats as casual as the first time, still while eating.


“I’ll tell you what….. I promise I will keep a close eye on her when she is around the water, and she won’t do this again….. I will intervene If I suspect another deposit is about to be made”….. “You cool with that?”


“Ok, Ok…..”……. “I can not believe she made an explosion on me” he says to me as a slight smile starts to crack as he shakes his head in disbelief of what had happened to him and his students earlier that morning.

We went upstairs, had a couple cigarettes, shared a laugh about the morning and continued on with our day. I finished up the course nice and easy signed the papers and never mentioned a word of this to my her.


From that day onward, I received that same question time and time again “Where is the bathroom” and my answer never changed, except I always took it upon myself to add in at the end…. “But if ya gotta poo, pleeeeease go up to the resort.” Guests would often laugh and say “ Hahaha, Of course…. I just gotta pee, I’m not gonna crap right there!” I’d always reflect upon this day….... And sometime explain to them this story.


0 comments